my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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