She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
