I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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