Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
