I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
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We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
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We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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