you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
