you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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