1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
