Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
