I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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