my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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