Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
