take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
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