this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
