I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
