remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
