I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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