your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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