Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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