I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
