im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
nutella sex= disaster
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
