tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
