I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
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