there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
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You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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