He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
