No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
