Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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