I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
