I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Quick, to the slutcave!
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I have aggressive nipples.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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