Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
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Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
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Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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