My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
