i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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