I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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