Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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