I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
