I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
