lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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