He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
