at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
