I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
