who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
