I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
