Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize