Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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