My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
