Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
