Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
