seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
its not stalking. its research.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
