i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
