So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
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Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
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Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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