nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
