She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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