I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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