If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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