She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
