good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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