If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
