The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
