life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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